The meaning of Monotony, Or What are we here for?!?!?

My friend Cristi recently responded by email to my blog entry, because this blogging thing and replying is pretty confusing. She was replying to my Blog entry http://chewyraezen.blogspot.com/2011/06/its-okay-if-youre-confused-types-of.html 
So basically this is a conversation between her and I, tossing out thoughts, and trying to find meaning in monotony, etc. etc. I think it applies to more than just Mothers, I think it applies to anyone who is searching for something, or not quite feeling right, like themselves, like their true self. I think we all come to that plateau at some point in our lives when we ask ourselves, "Am I happy?" "Is this what I want" "Is there more to life than this?" Here's what she had to say, and my replies to her. She is Cristi. I am Me. Which is Rae. or here in Blog-land, chewyraezen.

From Cristi:

....I feel a lot like your blog a lot...if I am even remembering right what it is exactly you were blogging about...what I most remember is olives and tree sap and something about having a weakness deflecting negative energy...and that I could relate to so much of it.

Lately I am feeling so very numb...and then when those rare times come that I actually have time to think a thought for more than three seconds before it is interrupted by "I want milk" "she hit me" "why won't you let me do 'blah blah blah' ?!!"...I feel like lately I really need to get through something...get to the other side of something...to grow beyond something, grow into my next phase....and then I become very fearful and anxious about that for some reason and I want to keep hiding and stay where I have felt safe and comfortable, yet not exactly fulfilled.

Then I question what is even fulfillment, and is it right for me to want to fill myself, or should I let God do that? Shouldn't I be pouring myself out for the sake of others? Well, of course I am doing that! Hello, I am a MOM!! I totally feel myself being poured out all day long so much so that I feel depleted....and that goes back to the numb.

My response is:

Of course you should want fulfillment, and you should not deny your feelings. We, as Moms feel guilty if we’re playing the part and not smiling while we wipe butts, pick up toys, clothes, trash, whatever is stuck on the floor. Who would NOT want to find some kind of meaning, or fulfillment, especially if you are giving so much of yourself to so many other people? There is this stereotype, a false one that stay at home Mothers have it made. And another stereotype about working Moms that they don’t give enough of themselves to their children. So we are set up to feel guilty either way, just for wanting more out of life. I also think there are many types of people. I will put a few here: There are the thinkers, the dreamers, and the feelers. The feelers make it sound like there are antennae on our heads. And maybe there are people that flip-flop from one to the other depending on a situation.

Let’s read more from Cristi:

I am so busy and interrupted mentally that I don't have time to figure out how I feel about anything...I always needed time for that...I have always had a gap...something happens, and then it takes me a while to figure out how I feel about it, what I think about it, how to respond....I never know right away! That is why social life is so hard for me, so taxing...I always have this delay that makes me feel awkward...am I being insensitive, stupid? Am I getting the other person or am I totally clueless? Do they want me to keep talking? Stop talking? Stay around? Go away? Like me? Hate me? I can't tell. So I assume the worst...usually...about myself.

It is mentally exhausting...and yet...I keep feeling I want to belong to something meaningful, greater than just my own world...yet I never really understand how to connect, to endure....to sustain thoughts...actions...with others. I can do it alone, sustain meaningful thoughts, carry out actions to completion, but I need concentration, intense focus, to be able to sustain anything.

My response:

It sounds like you are being pulled so many ways that you don’t even have time to think, much less reflect on something if you cannot commit to the moment. That sounds kind of merry fairy-ish, but I think that’s what we (you) want, just a moment. Learn how to be IN the moment.  Maybe there is peace there.

From Cristi:
I adore my children. I love being a mom. It is rewarding, it is exhausting...at times I feel very depleted and like a non-person.....the word I kept searching for....MUNDANE...laundry, picking up the three thousandth toy off of the floor for the day, my back hurts, i get so tired of repeating myself to the children, I hate the sound of my own voice...so I know they have to! repeating myself...do they not realize how hard it was for me to get the thought out the FIRST time!!?!?!

Me again:

Exactly. Doing too many things at once, saying things repeatedly, without a positive response, or without being listened to, that to me I think one definition of Stress.

Cristi:

Mundane. Repetition. Then I get a flash of insight...maybe it is insight...we keep looking for significance, to feel wanted, needed....we want to be important to someone, we want our lives to have meaning....but maybe life is supposed to be mundane most of the time...I do feel depleted, yet then I get regenerated somehow, I get a second wind. I plow on. I keep going....because I love love love them so.

My response:

Who says that we shouldn’t look for some kind of meaning to our existence? Are we expected to shut our mind off just because we are doing mundane and insignificant things at the time? We forget that this is OUR LIFE too. I am sure that you dreamed of doing something important, something meaningful, or becoming more insightful, learning more about yourself, becoming more YOU. But how can we (you) feel that if you don’t make or have the time to think deeply about stuff. Just to be quiet and aware of your thoughts. Your thoughts and feelings are just as valid as those of your husband, and your children. We have to make time to have insight I think. It seems like you are a lot like me, as far as thinking about stuff, trying to always find meaning.

From Cristi:

Love is work. Really hard work. Love is pouring out yourself for others...it is letting them deplete you, it is giving out your all for another human being, those that happen to be around you most of the time now, our children, our husbands, our friends...even the people that annoy us...we let them take from us too, we roll over and take it when we don't want to...because we feel we should love rather than confront and conflict.

My response:

That’s how we were brought up, as girls, to be polite, soft spoken, pleasant. You would think that’s the 1950’s but it still applies. And it’s still hard for some women, you, me, to confront someone when we are feeling slighted, or hurt. I still want to learn how to do that. It’s not easy for me either.

From Cristi:

But me, pouring out myself, pouring the milk, folding the socks, cleaning up the mess, saying, "don't hit your brother," ....we feel insignificant, yet, we are there...we have been placed there by a divine hand, a hand that knew we were fit for this work, that knew we could love enough to do what seems at times to be a thankless job....these little ones, and not so little ones need us...though they don't always know that they do, or want to....they need us so! And...so, is that the significance I was looking for? probably not!!! lol!! But then, the grass is always greener, isn't it. Nothing worth having comes easy. It is drudgery. work. It is what I am needed for, what I was put here to do. The mission field. My children, my family, my neighbors, my friends. My little mundane world. And now I can finally smile about the ache in my shoulders, the bags under my eyes, my greying hair....

BUT…….I say to you Cristi……Why does it have to be hard? The things that are the best in life? Does it have to be, or have we been trained to think that, or is it something we tell ourselves to get through each moment of monotony, every mundane minute? I don’t think so. I think that you are MORE than a wife, and mother. I think that you have every right to be more, and to be an individual as well. And to find out what more you could do to find that balance, to fill your emotional and spiritual needs. To give you have to have. And you are being depleted. Yes, you can go on, you can endure. But don’t we (you) want more out of life than that? Then take time to think about it. Write your thoughts down. Maybe make a pyramid, like the food one, but it’s a Cristi pyramid. Kind of like Maslow’s pyramid of needs. Find out what you need, and how to get it, and make time for yourself, the time you desperately need. The time I desperately need as well. I have found that I need creative outlets, and ways to express myself. This blog is one of the ways that I will use for expression, and for creativity. And to just my thoughts in some kind of order. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and feelings.