Lord Have Mercy

That was one of the songs at chuch today. Something like that in the lyrics. Like God showing mercy within our struggles. I didn't plan on going because we hadn't been in a while, and it's nice NOT to have to do anything. Not to be on any schedules, even if it is something as important as spiritual growth. So this song at the end, the lyrics went something like, our health, we pray, yada yada, and wait, and 20,000 years of insomnia making it so that it's really HIS mercies. To be closer to him through strife, struggles, the whole bearing the cross on our shoulders thing. I've tried, really tried to build a better faith, a stronger belief, praying ceaselessly, at least until I fall asleep. I always say thank you and show gratitude first, I know not to be a selfish person. I say thank you before I ask for something. The main thing I want back right now is my health. And I have done nothing but take pills and eat junk since my health has done it's downward spiral. My reasoning being that I was healthy before, drinking spinach smoothies, walking, jogging, trying to eat more from the earth, and less processed and then I had surgery in February and since then it's just been stupid. I don't have a better word. My health is stupid. My reasoning is stupid. I figured I did all the right stuff and still had a surgery and had many complications that I'm still having so I went back to old habits, very bad ones and I eat crap. So my cross, my burden is my health and that is supposed to bring me closer to God but I think I was just fine before. My faith in the unseen was surely stronger. I was a more spiritual person. My belief was one that we are all dominoes in the game of life and each step we make affects the other. The Golden Rule. Got it. Gossip - don't do it. Got it Lying - bad choice, even a so called white one. Definitely got that one. Personal responsibility, and having integrity, check that one off too. So we blame God for whatever goes wrong, is what the message was about, sort of loosely about today. I don't blame Him/Her, has there ever been a gender specific in the bible about God, I don't think so. He/She was only in body form when Jesus came down. Anyway, I'm not a thumper. I can have an honest discussion and remain open minded about pretty much anything. I'm not going to say what my beliefs are here, unless I've already said it. I'm not going to edit myself, or read what I've already ranted. And I haven't even begun to rant yet. So here it is. My rant. My health. I'm so over feeling the way that I feel. How is that? You ask? I'm tired of being asked. Because I like to focus on the positive, always have. Maybe that is naive of me. Certainly I've always been a more vulnerable type of person, but on the good side, like empathetic, sensitive to others. My health sucks. That's what it does. And I know words are powerful, and *energy* and *like attracts like* so I better not say too much. Well screw that. It just plain sucks. I'm tired of being in this body. It doesn't feel like me anymore. The old me was a better me, just less than a year ago. I cannot walk or stand for a long period of time, my knees burn like ant piles are climbing higher and higher in them, especially my left knee. Yes, I know what Louise Hay would say. See, I'm one of those people on the metaphysical side of the fence, both a christian and Agnostic. But I wasn't going to get into that here. I don't want to be judged, certainly not by anyone reading this. But she would say that the left side of me is the feminine side and my unwillingness to bend, or move forward. I haven't looked it up but I'm sure it's something like that, it's always something very similiar to the body part, and whether it is on the left or right side. I think I could've written a pokey book like that myself and made boucoup bucks myself. It sucks that I feel like shit all the time. Can you say shit on blogger? ANYHOOoo...I'm on more meds than I can count, there's no logical, or medical explanation for me, not unless the latest blood tests show something else and I don't have a follow up until 3 months. I got a tattoo. Another way to show my body that I was in control of it, and the pain of it. I was tired of being a slave to my pain. And feeling like I'm 80 years old instead of almost 40, which is the new 30 or whatever. Wrists hurt. Typing hurts. Walking, I mentioned that, which I don't mind, not in Walmart anyways. I mean I don't mind that it hurts walking in Walmart because it's an excuse for me NOT to go there. Latest tests are for thyroid balances, and cortisol levels, and adrenal function. I think that it will not show up anything. And I think, or said to my husband that if that is the case i will have a shotgun to shoot the doctors or myself. Which is not really funny because I need to get over myself, which I am, I think it's called depression, but I'm not sad, I'm just very pissed off, and also it's not like I am fighting cancer. I would like to know what I am fighting. That's what I pray for. The mercies are the things that bring us closer to HIM is what the song said. Lord Have Mercy then with me, and please stop causing me pain if that is the case. I will be a willing follower. I will follow and do whatever it takes to have my body back. I will even do hoo-doo magic, I will click my shiny red heels together and say, "There's no place like home, and there's nobody like my body." I want my body back. That's all I want. Just like it was before. Or give me a name for what I have so I know what I am fighting. Thank you God if you're listening. Thank you dear reader if you are. I'm really at a loss. I've thought all the happy thoughts that I can think of and they are just starting to really piss me off.