Guilting and Shoulding On Myself and a note to my dear friend

I am sitting here. on my bed with my husbands laptop, not mine because the one i had i got in trouble with and i gave it to my son. so i have this one to put all my pictures on and it's not really my own but for right now i am using it, and i will not edit myself. i am sitting here where i've sat for many hours today. Guilty. Not spending enough time with the children. I could say that I'm chilling out, (for a very long time) creating poetry, and art, and that my knees hurt so I don't stand for very long periods of time. All would be true. But I feel guilty for letting them watch so much tv, and not interacting with them. They are outside watering the garden. My son just came in here to ask me if he could get something for his playstation, he just comes in here when he wants something. that's what sixteen year olds do i guess. he also waits until my attention is elsewhere so he can ask me for something he wants and he'll know that i'm distracted and if its within some reasonable price range i will say yes. the girls are back in the house now. i don't know what to tell them to do. i want them to spend time with each other, but they don't like doing it. a sibling thing i know. their ages. eight and 10. both girls but completely opposite. i wish their brother would spend time with them too but he is in his room, as i am in mine. labor day weekend. doing nothing. i could muster up the energy, or could've and taken them to do something today but i did take them to church and to play with friends yesterday and they slept over the night before at friends. i don't feel like i should be having to tell them what to do. i want their creativity to kick in, their imagination. usually i have to suggest something. so here's the other thing. I pulled the Cancer card on a friend, that i'm not supposed to be friends with. this makes me feel like i am eight years old. and i feel bad for doing that. we are alike i think. i've never met him. i think we are both sensitive souls, people pleasers. both with lots of imagination. empathetic. and i pulled him back in when we were supposed to be distant but with fond memories. distant friends, but we were more at one time even if we don't talk about it. i always remember him saying we have to push our feelings down deep like a blown up pool balloon and not let them surface. and i hated that analogy and i didn't tell him that. i don't know why i hated it. hate is a strong word. i felt like i was a kid, and being told that my emotions were not good enough to be at the surface, or that i was having to hide what i felt. i feel guilty for contacting him, if my husband knew. but it's different now. it really is a friendship. and i really did pull him back into my life because i was scared and i needed reassurance. and my friends weren't doing it for me. i don't know why. i think because i shut them out, or they got tired of hearing about my ailments. i have a huge bag that i carry all my medications in. i both love and hate the bag. it has meds for just about everything that ails me. i have migraine meds if i get one. i've got another med for tension headaches. i've got vicodin for all over body and joint and knee pain. i've got panic pills, klonipin for when i'm feeling overwhelmed. i've got two different antidepressants because i'm weaning off of one. i've got a heart medication to take because I have SVT which is basically tachacardia, my hearts starts beating rapidly at different times, mostly it's unpredictable but it's usually when i am in an emotionally stressful time. it's a scary feeling, like you're having a heart attack and you can't breathe, and it beats so fast that i can't make it stop so i have to have it near me. i also have speed pills for my ADD, which i've gone off of. I am eating all the time, and I don't know if that's because I have gone off the med or because my thyroid is messed up. The cancer card I spoke of earlier. It's a 3cm mass in my left thyroid and 1 cm w/ several nodules in my right. I got to a very scary place. not scary as in i was going to kill myself because i have children, and i would not do that to them, but scary as in overwhelmingly anxious, and afraid of the unknown. my antidepressants must be working because i feel sort of numb to things, and more aggrivated than depressed. again it could be the thyroid. i have been an awful detective, and the drs. have been worse. telling me that my symptoms are not due to my thyroid cancer. the knee pain. the wrists. the swollen abdomen. the mood swings. if they are not then i am fucked with a capital F. i hope and pray to God that these symptoms are due to it. I am afraid I will balloon up to 300 pounds when they take the thyroid out. I don't know why. I'm scared of the synthroid and how it'll affect my brain. I shouldn't be so vain. I am not hungry but I keep eating. And when I'm not eating I am smoking. Guilt again. I don't have time or the luxury of quitting before the surgery. luxury is a stupid word. I don't think I can. I guess it makes me feel like a bad person, or that I deserved this. All these things happened after a hysterectomy surgery. they left in the ovaries, thankfully. I want to be positive. I have a very close friend that has a tumor in her brain, she called me up laughing about it and saying that we needed to party and just hang loose. yes, she is from Louisiana like I am. We do that. Laugh when things get bad. But I've been gone away from home for too long to remember how to do that. I feel numb and I'm wondering if it's the prozac. The only thing I have felt the least bit happy or excited about was contacting my friend. And I don't want him to think that it'll get to the point that it was, which was sort of obsessive at one point. Not his fault. Not mine. A combination and just the way it was. I was searching for happiness, and I found it for a time. I'm not going to go there again, and I want him to know that. Another thing. My psychologist now thinks I am bipolar instead of ADD. He thinks this because I was really excited about getting into my abstract art, and it gave me something to do while I was sitting in bed. So I gave him three different pictures, one for each time I had an appt, and I promised that it would be all, so he doesn't think I'm crushing on him or something weird. He doesn't. He's a good dr. He hugs me after my appointment. I had energy and excitement for something that I felt that I could do when everything else was out of my control. I don't think that it was manic. So now I'm kind of bummed because I'd rather have the title of being ADD instead of bipolar. My recent depression was due to a combination of many outside instances, not within my control. I don't know why a label is important to me but it is. I think bipolar is not me. I think I'm just artistic. I forgot to mention I'm on heavy duty sleep meds as well, so heavy duty and expensive that my insurance won't cover it, it's like 600.00 and he gave me months of samples. all these medications. makes me feel, i don't know what it makes me feel. like something is wrong with me. which is there. but ultimately wrong. unfixable. that's what i'm the most scared of. i don't recover well from surgeries, i am not being negative, i am stating the obvious. the dr. said it would take 4-6 weeks after my laparoscopic hysterectomy to be back in business. it didn't. not even 6-8. i still am not right. i had to go on three different antibiotics because my body didn't like the internal dissolving stitches. i got infected. now my stomach is swollen and my regular dr said i have a hernia. i don't feel like it is. i think it's related. i want it to go down. i wonder if i'm being tested for being too vain. i never thought of myself as a vain person though. i just want to be back into my body. i want to be 130 pounds, with arms that are muscular, i want a flat stomach and a small chest, i even want my slightly hippy pear shaped body back. i'm not sure who my real friends are. or rather they have too much on their own plate for me to vent to about this. and what could they say really? they ask, how are you? and i say fine. i don't want to constantly focus on anything negative. like attracts like. and negative - negative, etc. i'm not sure that i like this numb feeling. i'm now on prozac. it just makes you sort of flat lines in feelings. but then again that makes me wonder if the doctor is right and i really am bipolar. but i haven't been depressed like this in many years. or maybe i was and i just avoided it. anyway......

TO MY FRIEND

I don't want you to worry that I will drag you back into what we had before.

It was beautiful, but it was misplaced.

I and you, both are living an honest life.

we are good people.

I don't want to scare you away, or make you scared of me.

I said all these things because they are the truth.

I love my husband, my family, my children, my friends.

You are my friend. my very good friend.

We have never met but you were there when I desperately needed you.

I wish that there was someway I could explain that to my husband and be as open and honest with him but there are things he cannot understand, even though he may want to, or tries to.

He is here to support me and help me, and this is what I need (needed) right now.

I am sorry again.

for you, but not for me.

I am happy to have you be there, at least knowing that you are there,

and still think of me and wonder how i am and hope for the best for me,

and your good thoughts, and prayers.  

That is good.

That is wholesome.

We don't have to always hang out in the tree.

we can be real, and you can check in.

Or you can check out. (if you need to Roo)

And just wish me the best, and tell me so.

okay?

I just don't want to feel like I brought you back into my life for my own selfish needs.

and I don't want you to be afraid.

and OH HOW I've Missed You.