Out Of Wack

Is it bad to sometimes wish that you picked someone else to be the father of your children? is this a normal thought for some or most people at different times? I just wonder that. I have wondered it, and I have balanced it out in my head, the pros and cons and put it all in perspective to what is going on at the time, and what is occuring to cause stress in his life, but it just outweighs my scale. today it outweighed my scale. i am the mediator. this is a hard position to be in because right now i am the one who is causing the stress. i have health issues. i have a thyroid cancer which is making my body way out of wack, everything is not normal. so for him to blow up at his teenage son while we are having an after church dinner for getting too much cheese in his own bowl while i was gone from the table, is just too much for me. i can't see both sides because i was in the bathroom. his dad said he told him NOT to put cheese in his own little bowl because he takes half of it. avery said he said  "Don't take half of the cheese in your own bowl." so when i get back from the table his dad has to walk off because he is so pissed off. and we get home and avery says that his dad is just stressed and takes it out on him because the girls are too little and i am his wife and so its him. and i feel bad because i am the cause of it, ultimately. i am the one throwing the family out of wack. so what do you do if you are me. explain that to your son that dad is an asshole jerk? not really. i told him that i am the cause of his dads stress. i am the cause because he is worried about me. but it's just too much for me. i can't stand seeing my own child, who is a good kid by the way, a really good teenager, i know, that's an oxymoron, right, but he really is, and i can't stand for his dad to be so hot tempered. but i should be blessed or thank my blessings that at least he walks away. but to be mad in the first place. that's just too much, i don't know what set him off. we just went to church, that's a good thing, a family thing. it makes me angry that he gets so angry at little things. i could be angry at so much right now but i'm not because what good will it do me? i will just get more depressed that things are out of my control. so anyways. happy sunday, right?!