patience grasshopper

it's raining. it has been raining the past couple of days and i love it. i love the rain. it slows me down. i like being slowed down. it makes me take stock of what i'm thinking and what thoughts run around in my head. usually i am too busy to sit and think. right now i'm propped up on pillows in my bedroom on my bed listening to each drop drip onto my window behind me. it doesn't matter that i don't have anything to say. it doesn't matter that there are no thoughts to convey. no expression. because i still get to do this. i still can write about nothing. about my dog snoring beside the bed. he has to be near me wherever i am. and the flushing of the toilet. those are the noises of the house. and the laundry going around and around in the dryer. there are ladies here helping me clean the house. and it is a godsend. they are. i am not at my best physically so i need them. i love the sound of them puttering around the house. one lady just sneezed. i'd say god bless you but i'm holed up in the bedroom with my door closed. it's nice not knowing what to say. not having any particular feelings. i am one who is affected by those around me. i take on the emotions of others. and so does my eight year old. i'm wondering if she will outgrow this or if it was a genetic gift or curse from me. it can be good when things are going well. but when chaos reigns, and emotions are wild, i take them on. i don't have a place for them. they get sucked into my body. i usually react without thinking. now my ladies are going. and i will be alone. as i was saying, i don't know if that's a good thing or not. to be a sensitive person. it could be good because usually you are empathetic towards others and this helps them. it means you can be a good friend. emotionally you have been there before. but depression also comes with it. at least in my case. i am battling depression right now. i have my meds and my defenses up. i am more sensitive in this state. i didn't know i was depressed. i thought i was just anxious, and afraid of leaving the house to go anywhere. why i would be afraid i do not know. it's an unfounded fear, one that comes with the symptoms of depression. you also cycle your thoughts. they go endlessly around and around, and you hyperfocus on the little things which seem big. they are big because you lack the tools to deal with them, your defenses are down. you don't know if a situation calls for the reaction you give it. this depression could be due to my thyroid being out of wack. i have thyroid cancer and will have surgery october 21. i have mixed feelings about it. i don't know if i want the time to speed up so i can be over and done with it or for it to slow down so i can still have my body as it is, as messed up as it is, it still is mine and containing most of my parts. i had my uterus out last feb. so that's why i say most of them. this will mean i will be medicine dependent for the rest of my life. i feel strange about that. sort of surreal, everything is. i didn't know i'd have so much to say. i guess i did. my life right now is surreal. it is like it is happening to someone else. i guess that's the depression. i want to be anyone else but me right now. i want longer hair. i shaved mine off. i lack patience for it to grow. i lack patience for everything right now. patience grasshopper. i've never heard the story but i know the saying. what did he need patience for? i need it for myself. i don't have patience for myself. i should let myself be and do and most of the time i don't know what i should be doing, how to be, or what to do. even though my duties are all the same. i am a stay at home mother and wife. i have a house to run. it's all the same. but i'm different.