To be or not To Be Human

The beauty of online relationships is that you don't have to see or share the annoying aspects of being a human being. I'm talking about those little nuances and disgusting habits that people have. The nose pickers, crotch grabbers, butt scratchers, nail biters, flip flop sliders, zit poppers, intentional burp and farters and those people who go to the bathroom and don't wash their hands afterward. And what about those that chew food with their mouth open? That annoys the piss out of a friend of mine. That same friend is toxic in that she likes her vodka and gatoraide at all times, even when driving. That's not a habit it's an addiction. She isn't an online friend, she is my friend in person. But being an alcoholic is off the topic. The topic of annoying habits. Which habit do you think is worse? I think being a booger eater tops the list but goes head to head with butt scratching. Having zits and foot fungus is also hopeless afflictions that tend to gross a person out but can't be helped. The countless ads on tv will have you thinking differently. They will also swear that you can lose those pesky thirty pounds by shaking some powder substance on your food. You can also meet your soul mate on tv the ads say. You can even go to a Christian mingle to find you fate or faith rather. Having an online friend is way different than a friend in person. They always share the best of themselves in conversations. It's a 2D way of seeing someone instead of 3D in reality. I wonder if I would like my online friends less if I knew more about them. I feel like I know them from the inside out rather than meeting someone for the first time and judging them on that meeting. There are no first impressions with online friends. They are who they presume to be. They can be as much of themseolves or as little of themselves as they choose to be or what they decide to share. I think I would still like my online friends if they had some of the annoying habits mentioned. Because that makes us more human. We are also more animalistic than we think we are. I know I have a lot in common with my dog. I also like to be scratched and petted and walked. I like my food brought to me. I also enjoy sleep. Would you like me less if you knew I had some annoying habits? Or that me and my dog have similarities? I wonder. I really do.

Better Late Than Never

WOW! Two whole years since I've written in my blog. A lot has happened since then. I no longer have joint pain. I had thyroid cancer and had a thyroidectomy and got the whole thing out. Now I'm on new meds for that. I still haven't found my niche beyond being a wife and mother. My kids are mostly independent now. I got my CNA license. I need to find a job where I can work when the kids are in school. I haven't actively looked for one. I kind of got one at one place but they haven't called me back. The house is an absolute wreck. Laundry is piled up everywhere. Mostly clean that I have to do something with. But there is no room for it in drawers. All of them are packed full. Maybe that means I need to get rid of the clothes. I wish I could have the kids in a uniform. They used to wear one at the private school that they went to. They have been in public school for two years now. I'm not sure how I feel about that. They have been exposed to things that I'd rather them not to at their ages. My twelve year old was on the bus the other day and I should mention that the high schoolers ride with the middle schoolers, and my twelve year old Jillian was shown marijuana. This girl said to her, "Look I've got weed. Smell it." And Jillian smelled it. She told the girl that it would kill her. She learned that drugs kill at school. She doesn't understand that it is against the law and that is the main extent of it. I'd rather her think it kills than just gets someone high. I've done my share of smoking at different times in my life. I would never ever tell my kids that though. But here I am posting it on a blog. I guess I was somewhat of a tree hugger. Now I am too lazy to recycle and do things to soften my print on this big green earth. I feel guilty about that but it doesn't change anything. I've lost touch with a lot of my friends. Becoming a hermit and surfing and chatting online. I found a sister for a friend who lives in Iran. And there is this guy that I love that I talk to. I used to do photography and have stopped doing that. I don't know how or why I've become stagnant. I feel like I have lost my purpose. Or that my purpose has changed. I said labels belong on jelly jars but they also explain things. I am ADD and bipolar. So I am on meds for that. Somehow I ran out of my ADD meds though. I probably misplaced them. Imagine that. I have gotten into writing poetry on Deviantart. I'll put a link in here. http://chewyraezen.deviantart.com/ I can't remember what other posts I've written. I'll have to check them out. I wonder if I have changed or am still the same person. My husband said I changed after I had my thyroid surgery. Like some of the spark was gone from me. It's not anything I can change so I choose not to focus on it and try to be a good person. Whatever that means to be a good person. Just trying to do my best. But sometimes my best is not enough. Oh well. Cest La Vie right?! Thanks for reading.

patience grasshopper

it's raining. it has been raining the past couple of days and i love it. i love the rain. it slows me down. i like being slowed down. it makes me take stock of what i'm thinking and what thoughts run around in my head. usually i am too busy to sit and think. right now i'm propped up on pillows in my bedroom on my bed listening to each drop drip onto my window behind me. it doesn't matter that i don't have anything to say. it doesn't matter that there are no thoughts to convey. no expression. because i still get to do this. i still can write about nothing. about my dog snoring beside the bed. he has to be near me wherever i am. and the flushing of the toilet. those are the noises of the house. and the laundry going around and around in the dryer. there are ladies here helping me clean the house. and it is a godsend. they are. i am not at my best physically so i need them. i love the sound of them puttering around the house. one lady just sneezed. i'd say god bless you but i'm holed up in the bedroom with my door closed. it's nice not knowing what to say. not having any particular feelings. i am one who is affected by those around me. i take on the emotions of others. and so does my eight year old. i'm wondering if she will outgrow this or if it was a genetic gift or curse from me. it can be good when things are going well. but when chaos reigns, and emotions are wild, i take them on. i don't have a place for them. they get sucked into my body. i usually react without thinking. now my ladies are going. and i will be alone. as i was saying, i don't know if that's a good thing or not. to be a sensitive person. it could be good because usually you are empathetic towards others and this helps them. it means you can be a good friend. emotionally you have been there before. but depression also comes with it. at least in my case. i am battling depression right now. i have my meds and my defenses up. i am more sensitive in this state. i didn't know i was depressed. i thought i was just anxious, and afraid of leaving the house to go anywhere. why i would be afraid i do not know. it's an unfounded fear, one that comes with the symptoms of depression. you also cycle your thoughts. they go endlessly around and around, and you hyperfocus on the little things which seem big. they are big because you lack the tools to deal with them, your defenses are down. you don't know if a situation calls for the reaction you give it. this depression could be due to my thyroid being out of wack. i have thyroid cancer and will have surgery october 21. i have mixed feelings about it. i don't know if i want the time to speed up so i can be over and done with it or for it to slow down so i can still have my body as it is, as messed up as it is, it still is mine and containing most of my parts. i had my uterus out last feb. so that's why i say most of them. this will mean i will be medicine dependent for the rest of my life. i feel strange about that. sort of surreal, everything is. i didn't know i'd have so much to say. i guess i did. my life right now is surreal. it is like it is happening to someone else. i guess that's the depression. i want to be anyone else but me right now. i want longer hair. i shaved mine off. i lack patience for it to grow. i lack patience for everything right now. patience grasshopper. i've never heard the story but i know the saying. what did he need patience for? i need it for myself. i don't have patience for myself. i should let myself be and do and most of the time i don't know what i should be doing, how to be, or what to do. even though my duties are all the same. i am a stay at home mother and wife. i have a house to run. it's all the same. but i'm different.

uggghhhhhh

don't you just hate addictions? i have several. i cannot get onto the deviantart website. it will not open. i don't know why. it's raining outside. i spend a lot of time on there looking at artwork, uploading poems, and abstract art that i'm working on, and reading and looking at other people's pieces. it's a good addiction i guess, but a big time waster. it could be worse. i could be a Facebook addict and be really pissed right now at their new changes. i'm glad i'm not one of those people. that would be really annoying. but i am on deviantart and it just will not open the page. like it is down or something. i do not think it is my computer because i can get onto any other website but that one. like the universe is blocking me from wasting so much time on it. stupid universe. where else will i waste my time doing something somewhat productive? i downloaded a fractal program trying to figure out how to make fractals. no success with that so far. but maybe now while the kids are at school, i can play on it some. it's just not fair. it's so wrong. i just wanted to read some poetry and see what other artwork people are creating. that's a good thing, isn't it? I mean really. i keep trying. i hope it's just a temporary bug. i hope it's not some fluke that is just happening to me. i have to read a book now. amuse myself. ugggghhhh.................=(

Out Of Wack

Is it bad to sometimes wish that you picked someone else to be the father of your children? is this a normal thought for some or most people at different times? I just wonder that. I have wondered it, and I have balanced it out in my head, the pros and cons and put it all in perspective to what is going on at the time, and what is occuring to cause stress in his life, but it just outweighs my scale. today it outweighed my scale. i am the mediator. this is a hard position to be in because right now i am the one who is causing the stress. i have health issues. i have a thyroid cancer which is making my body way out of wack, everything is not normal. so for him to blow up at his teenage son while we are having an after church dinner for getting too much cheese in his own bowl while i was gone from the table, is just too much for me. i can't see both sides because i was in the bathroom. his dad said he told him NOT to put cheese in his own little bowl because he takes half of it. avery said he said  "Don't take half of the cheese in your own bowl." so when i get back from the table his dad has to walk off because he is so pissed off. and we get home and avery says that his dad is just stressed and takes it out on him because the girls are too little and i am his wife and so its him. and i feel bad because i am the cause of it, ultimately. i am the one throwing the family out of wack. so what do you do if you are me. explain that to your son that dad is an asshole jerk? not really. i told him that i am the cause of his dads stress. i am the cause because he is worried about me. but it's just too much for me. i can't stand seeing my own child, who is a good kid by the way, a really good teenager, i know, that's an oxymoron, right, but he really is, and i can't stand for his dad to be so hot tempered. but i should be blessed or thank my blessings that at least he walks away. but to be mad in the first place. that's just too much, i don't know what set him off. we just went to church, that's a good thing, a family thing. it makes me angry that he gets so angry at little things. i could be angry at so much right now but i'm not because what good will it do me? i will just get more depressed that things are out of my control. so anyways. happy sunday, right?!

Guilting and Shoulding On Myself and a note to my dear friend

I am sitting here. on my bed with my husbands laptop, not mine because the one i had i got in trouble with and i gave it to my son. so i have this one to put all my pictures on and it's not really my own but for right now i am using it, and i will not edit myself. i am sitting here where i've sat for many hours today. Guilty. Not spending enough time with the children. I could say that I'm chilling out, (for a very long time) creating poetry, and art, and that my knees hurt so I don't stand for very long periods of time. All would be true. But I feel guilty for letting them watch so much tv, and not interacting with them. They are outside watering the garden. My son just came in here to ask me if he could get something for his playstation, he just comes in here when he wants something. that's what sixteen year olds do i guess. he also waits until my attention is elsewhere so he can ask me for something he wants and he'll know that i'm distracted and if its within some reasonable price range i will say yes. the girls are back in the house now. i don't know what to tell them to do. i want them to spend time with each other, but they don't like doing it. a sibling thing i know. their ages. eight and 10. both girls but completely opposite. i wish their brother would spend time with them too but he is in his room, as i am in mine. labor day weekend. doing nothing. i could muster up the energy, or could've and taken them to do something today but i did take them to church and to play with friends yesterday and they slept over the night before at friends. i don't feel like i should be having to tell them what to do. i want their creativity to kick in, their imagination. usually i have to suggest something. so here's the other thing. I pulled the Cancer card on a friend, that i'm not supposed to be friends with. this makes me feel like i am eight years old. and i feel bad for doing that. we are alike i think. i've never met him. i think we are both sensitive souls, people pleasers. both with lots of imagination. empathetic. and i pulled him back in when we were supposed to be distant but with fond memories. distant friends, but we were more at one time even if we don't talk about it. i always remember him saying we have to push our feelings down deep like a blown up pool balloon and not let them surface. and i hated that analogy and i didn't tell him that. i don't know why i hated it. hate is a strong word. i felt like i was a kid, and being told that my emotions were not good enough to be at the surface, or that i was having to hide what i felt. i feel guilty for contacting him, if my husband knew. but it's different now. it really is a friendship. and i really did pull him back into my life because i was scared and i needed reassurance. and my friends weren't doing it for me. i don't know why. i think because i shut them out, or they got tired of hearing about my ailments. i have a huge bag that i carry all my medications in. i both love and hate the bag. it has meds for just about everything that ails me. i have migraine meds if i get one. i've got another med for tension headaches. i've got vicodin for all over body and joint and knee pain. i've got panic pills, klonipin for when i'm feeling overwhelmed. i've got two different antidepressants because i'm weaning off of one. i've got a heart medication to take because I have SVT which is basically tachacardia, my hearts starts beating rapidly at different times, mostly it's unpredictable but it's usually when i am in an emotionally stressful time. it's a scary feeling, like you're having a heart attack and you can't breathe, and it beats so fast that i can't make it stop so i have to have it near me. i also have speed pills for my ADD, which i've gone off of. I am eating all the time, and I don't know if that's because I have gone off the med or because my thyroid is messed up. The cancer card I spoke of earlier. It's a 3cm mass in my left thyroid and 1 cm w/ several nodules in my right. I got to a very scary place. not scary as in i was going to kill myself because i have children, and i would not do that to them, but scary as in overwhelmingly anxious, and afraid of the unknown. my antidepressants must be working because i feel sort of numb to things, and more aggrivated than depressed. again it could be the thyroid. i have been an awful detective, and the drs. have been worse. telling me that my symptoms are not due to my thyroid cancer. the knee pain. the wrists. the swollen abdomen. the mood swings. if they are not then i am fucked with a capital F. i hope and pray to God that these symptoms are due to it. I am afraid I will balloon up to 300 pounds when they take the thyroid out. I don't know why. I'm scared of the synthroid and how it'll affect my brain. I shouldn't be so vain. I am not hungry but I keep eating. And when I'm not eating I am smoking. Guilt again. I don't have time or the luxury of quitting before the surgery. luxury is a stupid word. I don't think I can. I guess it makes me feel like a bad person, or that I deserved this. All these things happened after a hysterectomy surgery. they left in the ovaries, thankfully. I want to be positive. I have a very close friend that has a tumor in her brain, she called me up laughing about it and saying that we needed to party and just hang loose. yes, she is from Louisiana like I am. We do that. Laugh when things get bad. But I've been gone away from home for too long to remember how to do that. I feel numb and I'm wondering if it's the prozac. The only thing I have felt the least bit happy or excited about was contacting my friend. And I don't want him to think that it'll get to the point that it was, which was sort of obsessive at one point. Not his fault. Not mine. A combination and just the way it was. I was searching for happiness, and I found it for a time. I'm not going to go there again, and I want him to know that. Another thing. My psychologist now thinks I am bipolar instead of ADD. He thinks this because I was really excited about getting into my abstract art, and it gave me something to do while I was sitting in bed. So I gave him three different pictures, one for each time I had an appt, and I promised that it would be all, so he doesn't think I'm crushing on him or something weird. He doesn't. He's a good dr. He hugs me after my appointment. I had energy and excitement for something that I felt that I could do when everything else was out of my control. I don't think that it was manic. So now I'm kind of bummed because I'd rather have the title of being ADD instead of bipolar. My recent depression was due to a combination of many outside instances, not within my control. I don't know why a label is important to me but it is. I think bipolar is not me. I think I'm just artistic. I forgot to mention I'm on heavy duty sleep meds as well, so heavy duty and expensive that my insurance won't cover it, it's like 600.00 and he gave me months of samples. all these medications. makes me feel, i don't know what it makes me feel. like something is wrong with me. which is there. but ultimately wrong. unfixable. that's what i'm the most scared of. i don't recover well from surgeries, i am not being negative, i am stating the obvious. the dr. said it would take 4-6 weeks after my laparoscopic hysterectomy to be back in business. it didn't. not even 6-8. i still am not right. i had to go on three different antibiotics because my body didn't like the internal dissolving stitches. i got infected. now my stomach is swollen and my regular dr said i have a hernia. i don't feel like it is. i think it's related. i want it to go down. i wonder if i'm being tested for being too vain. i never thought of myself as a vain person though. i just want to be back into my body. i want to be 130 pounds, with arms that are muscular, i want a flat stomach and a small chest, i even want my slightly hippy pear shaped body back. i'm not sure who my real friends are. or rather they have too much on their own plate for me to vent to about this. and what could they say really? they ask, how are you? and i say fine. i don't want to constantly focus on anything negative. like attracts like. and negative - negative, etc. i'm not sure that i like this numb feeling. i'm now on prozac. it just makes you sort of flat lines in feelings. but then again that makes me wonder if the doctor is right and i really am bipolar. but i haven't been depressed like this in many years. or maybe i was and i just avoided it. anyway......

TO MY FRIEND

I don't want you to worry that I will drag you back into what we had before.

It was beautiful, but it was misplaced.

I and you, both are living an honest life.

we are good people.

I don't want to scare you away, or make you scared of me.

I said all these things because they are the truth.

I love my husband, my family, my children, my friends.

You are my friend. my very good friend.

We have never met but you were there when I desperately needed you.

I wish that there was someway I could explain that to my husband and be as open and honest with him but there are things he cannot understand, even though he may want to, or tries to.

He is here to support me and help me, and this is what I need (needed) right now.

I am sorry again.

for you, but not for me.

I am happy to have you be there, at least knowing that you are there,

and still think of me and wonder how i am and hope for the best for me,

and your good thoughts, and prayers.  

That is good.

That is wholesome.

We don't have to always hang out in the tree.

we can be real, and you can check in.

Or you can check out. (if you need to Roo)

And just wish me the best, and tell me so.

okay?

I just don't want to feel like I brought you back into my life for my own selfish needs.

and I don't want you to be afraid.

and OH HOW I've Missed You.

Rae Rae What Does Your Garden Grow

Rae Rae, quite the fey

What does your garden grow

A bicycle, a rake, a toilet bowl

and three gnomes all in a row
Rae Rae quite the fey

why no veggies in the soil

Much too much weeds
And what fun is it to toil

And not any good seeds

Rae Rae quite the fey
What is it that you do
Toss out silly words
Make them come true

The rest is for the birds
Rae Rae quite the fey

When will your rhymes be over

As soon as I find another four leaf clover

And when I begin to snap again

That is when my words will

                                         E

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                                         D.............